“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
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What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Meow
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
me refusing to leave twitter
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”