Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly