Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
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[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Perfect
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.