i would wish you the best but i am the best
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There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]