The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
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Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.