First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
You Might Also Like
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even