I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
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[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
#gardening
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.