[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
You Might Also Like
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white