ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
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Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.