Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
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Oops I deleted….
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Attacked by a mop.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc