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I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Important reminders