Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
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No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
*weighs self after shaving
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.