I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
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I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.