Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
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“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Oops
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.