HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
All excellent questions
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.