my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
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the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.