her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
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*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Doggies just call it style.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”