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“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
If snakes were wide
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
giddy up Office Depot