“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
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TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…