YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
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In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
incredible book dedication
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
when revenge coincides with naptime
This could be us but you eatin’
She was REALLY feeling it.