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11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
not to brag, but mine was free
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*