[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
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[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god