The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
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[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Meow
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?