I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
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My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.