At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
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We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
I’m not average. I’m mean.