I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
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Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
I have no passwords left in me
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Sounds like a bargain