Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
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Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.