Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
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I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
good let them take over I have had enough
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?