Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
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My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
This hospital has everything
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve