When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
You Might Also Like
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”