Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
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If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.