hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
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Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
You had me at “define legal”.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.