Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
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[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.