Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
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axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor: