You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
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I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher