*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
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Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed