Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
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Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Guy who likes music
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”