As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
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Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
how it started vs how it ended
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”