If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
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If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.