Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
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Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I wish this was real life…
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
They got a point!
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.