If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
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Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died