Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
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Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.