Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
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Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.