That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
You Might Also Like
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules