My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
You Might Also Like
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Ugh
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.