Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
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Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.