santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
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Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Gods work.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund