Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
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if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
cause of death:
autopsy.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.