Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
You Might Also Like
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
no regrets
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*