Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
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falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars